Today was bizarre to the point of being a truly freaky experience. For a start my girlfriend is doing Karate, not that great considering she is a pretty hot headed woman to begin with. Her and one of her friends saw a month’s free training and thought, what the hell they’ll give it a crack. Now even though I am more of a Krav Maga kind of guy I didn’t have a problem with this till today. Why now you ask? Well, and this is hard to admit, because whilst she was off learning to kick guys in the junk I was at Yoga.
Before you get all “Oh my god Jack’s a bit of an alternative wierdo” I’m completely cool with Yoga and Pilates and those sorts of girl-workouts. Having limped around with a parachuting injury for years (after landing on my pack at night), I’m all for stretching and strengthening. I’ve tried nearly every type of exercise available. I even dabbled in Bikram Yoga, but after passing out in a superheated room whilst I tried to touch my toes, I decided to give it a miss. Anyone who thinks they’re a bit of a tough bastard should try 90 minutes of that. . . trust me humping 10 miles with a 70 pound rucksack is more fun.
Anyway a mate invited me to a regular Yoga class, so I thought, hell it’s a Chinese New Year why not try something new…FAIL. Normally I wouldn’t have a problem with Yoga but the reason this session weirded me out was while my girl was karate chopping wood and stuff I was holding another man’s hand and chanting… seriously WTF? The class started well, lots of stretching and strengthening, then it all got weird. It started with dancing, letting all your muscles go by waving your arms around like Jackie Chan on muscle relaxants… Hey, I gave it a go. I mean I’d paid my money and I wasn’t about to walk out. The thing is sh#t just got wierder and wierder. Before I knew it I was lying on my back doing some crazy arse cross country skiing move that looked like I was the birthday girl at a bukkake party. However it wasn’t until the last ten minutes that things really started to freak me out – ‘The Circle of Healing’.
OK so picture this – a whole bunch of dudes and chicks sitting in a circle holding hands and chanting like some sort of demented cult. In the middle lay the people who need healing. This I wasn’t cool with. For starters the only circle I had formed in the military had two guys in the middle of it punching the crap out of each other with 16 ounce gloves. Secondly, wasn’t this the sort of thing that led to drinking blue Kool Aid and waiting for the mothership? I was freaked out and looking for an exit strategy. Finally it ended, but then some bleach blonde hippy girl asked why the meditation was so important. The instructor responded by saying it was a science, that meditating could change your DNA. Holy crap, I thought that required an exotic species of irradiated spider or a dose of solar radiation – sign me up for more meditation and a lycra superhero suit. Jack Silkstone’s gonna change his DNA and become YOGA MAN! Some people are just born stupid, I’m going back to running with my weighted vest and grinding out my knees.