Feb 152012

That’s not a handbag sweet heart!

Green Berets, SAS, Commandos, SEALs, all the top SOF units in the world use gruelling selection courses to choose their operatives, right? So why can’t men use a similar method to select their partners? A set of challenges designed to work out if she’s a keeper… I mean, what’s more important, making sure a soldier’s got the balls to get you out of a tight spot or ensuring your future partner isn’t a nutjob? 

So how does this GF selection thing work? Pretty simple, lads. Hell, even Marines will be able to understand it. First you write a list of attributes that you want in your woman and then you plan a series of activities designed to test those attributes. Need an example? Here’s a personal favorite of mine. I call it ‘The Flashbang’.

What are we testing for? The motherly instincts that allow a woman to function when faced with irrational children. Pretty important if you think you might want kids and if, let’s face it, they turn out anything like you.

What do you need? Friends with a pair of boys aged 2 to 5, a packet of candy (anything with additive 102), two cans of Redbull and a bunch of wifi cameras. Oh, and an invite to your friend’s place for lunch.

What next? Just follow this guide.

1. Set up your friend’s house with a few wifi cameras the day before. You also need to locate a safe house to watch the feed from on your laptop. Preference is within 100m in case things turn to cactus. You may also want to pre-position a first aid kit, fire extinguisher and cleaning team, in case it all turns to shit.

2. Brief the couple and make sure they understand the plan. If the mother of the kids isn’t on board you may have to bribe her. Day spa treatments work well.

3. D- Day… It’s your job to get the two boys as excited as possible. Fill them full of caffeine, taurine, sugar, food coloring and then chase them around the house with a nerf gun.

You want him on your team, you need him on your team.

4. Get your friend’s wife to engage your girl in deep and meaningful conversation, if this hasn’t happened already. This will lock her down as you duck out to run a short errand, maybe a gas bottle refill or a milk run. Something your girl ain’t gonna want to be involved in. This is your cue to hit the safe house.

5. Now this is the difficult part, your friends need to receive a call that pulls both of them away. In reality this is you calling them from the safe house. A sick relative, car crash or any other suitably traumatic excuse will work. This is the first part of the test; if your GF doesn’t agree to mind the kids for half an hour she ‘FAILS’ (go to step 8).

6. Once the couple hits the safe house the fun begins. Make sure you have a marking criteria established; include key skills such as dealing with flung poop and tortured pets. All three of you can then relax for an hour with a bag of popcorn and a marking sheet. Meanwhile back in the house shit will be exploding as two hyperactive, additive injected gremlins literally fly around the house like a pair of dog-fighting WW2 aces. Warning – shit will get hectic but whatever you do don’t let your friends call End Ex. Broken bones heal, you can buy new pets, poop washes off walls… having a dud mother to your children can last for a eternity.

First Rule of GF Selection. She NEVER Finds Out.

7.  Once your GF has been at it with the boys for an hour or so it’s time for you to come in with a cover story for your absence. Something about a dead phone battery (run it down the day before) and a flat tyre should do the job. Half an hour later the couple can get home as well, relaxed after their sojourn in the safe house. Now, this is the most important part. The biggest rule of GF selection is never, ever, and I mean EVER,  tell her she was tested. Not even if she passes. If she finds out you put her through the ringer she’ll make your life hell till the day you die. This is not part of the test; even the most forgiving woman won’t let you live these shenanigans down if she gets wind of it.

8. Did she pass? If she did it’s happy days and she’s ready for the next round of selection. If she didn’t… sorry buddy, if you want a future mother for your children, no matter how much of a rocket in the sack she is, she needs to go. That’s the whole point of the selection course, to wrestle your decision making process from your dick!

‘The Flashbang’ is just one activity you could incorporate in a GF Selection Course. Some of my other ideas include declaring bankruptcy to weed out a gold digger, faking an injury to see how she responds to stress and my old favorite, throwing her out of a perfectly good plane. The possibilities are endless…

Good luck selecting,