I live on the South Island of New Zealand, a part of the world that is in a word ‘stunning’. You’ve all seen Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit. No shit, that’s what it looks like. I mean, we don’t have midgets running around selling jewelry or dudes on flying horses or anything like that. What we do have is snow capped mountains, crystal clear lakes and mile high waterfalls. So stunning is this place that a Victoria’s Secret model could walk butt naked down the street and people wouldn’t notice… OK, that’s a lie.
So with all this beauty you can imagine how many tourists we get; literally
thousands. Now imagine each one taking hundreds, actually thousands of selfies. Yep, this is the land of the selfie. Now, I don’t mind selfie takers. At least they’re photographing more than just their dinner. That happens too. But the latest craze to sweep the self-absorbed, iPhone-wielding zombie horde is… selfie sticks.
What the hell is a selfie stick I hear you asking. Imagine a collapsible golf club but instead of a putter head it’s got your phone attached to the end of it. What is the point of this retarded staff of dip shitness? Well, it enables an extended reach selfie. That’s right, it lets anti-social selfietards achieve an even higher quality of self-documentation for their awesome Facebook pages, puke!
The first time I saw one of these poles, a narcissistic asshole nearly smacked me in the face with it. The idiot was waving it around like he was god damn Harry Potter. With his iPad-sized phone attached the thing was like a battle axe. Had he hit me it probably would have cleaved my head off. Baffled as to what this device was, I watched him and his equally self-obssessed girlfriend attempting to manipulate themselves and the pole to get an epic photo with the mountains in the background. I would have offered to take the shot but I was dumb-founded by the sheer level of idiocy on display.
When did it get too hard to ask a passer by to take a photo? Are people worried that someone will run off with their phone? Because if I wanted this guy’s phone I would have just taken the stick and the phone. Hell, if he got shitty about it I could just whip the bejesus out of him with the pole…. Maybe I just came up with a real use for a selfie pole. Drop a phone holder on the end of an extendable baton and you can probably smuggle it through customs. Boom! Now if someone does steal your phone you can smack the shit out of them.