May 222015
 
Wow this looks like fun.

Wow this looks like fun.

It amazes me how quickly people latch on to stupid ideas and run with them. Yesterday I read an article promoting walking with a heavy pack as the #1 fitness fad of 2015. They call it ‘rucking’ and allegedly it’s how the military stays fit.

I’m baffled how people think that this is a good idea. I’ve yomped, rucked, stomped, humped, and TAB’d more miles than I would like to remember, carrying ridiculous loads and as a result I’ve got the knees of a seventy year old man.

Walking around with a pack on ... otherwise known as hiking.

Walking around with a pack on … otherwise known as hiking.

What people fail to realize is that Soldiers don’t carry heavy shit because of the health benefits. They carry heavy shit because they need it. They carry ammo because sure as hell when terry towel head starts laying down the smack you want to throw something more than a goddamn pillow at him. Water, food, night vision gear, breaching charges, mortar rounds, spare socks, med kits, radios, rocket launchers, all of this gear is heavy and all of it is mission essential. We don’t carry it so we can maintain rock hard abs and a toned arse. We carry it because it keeps us alive.

More to the point the first chance soldiers get they dump their shit in a helicopter, APC, MRAP, truck, robot donkey, or even a goddamn wheelbarrow. Why? Because carrying shit sucks balls and it destroys your body. Stress fractures, torn ligaments, compressed discs, shin-splints, sheered ACL joints, tendonitis, these are all ‘health benefits’ that civilians carrying heavy packs can look forward to.

Water boarding - great fitness for the whole family.

Water boarding – great fitness for the whole family.

But, fucktards (rucktards) do like to jump on a bandwagon. Obstacle courses were huge last year, this year it’s rucking, so what’s the next big fitness fad being lifted from the military? I think we should spread the love and go for a CIA-based activity. Waterboarding – low on calories, great for your abs and really cleans out the sinuses. Get into it rucktards!

Oh, by the way PRIMAL Redemption is out on  3 June. It’s got heaps of great ideas in it for rucktards to try out including; extreme rendition, subfreezing exposure and high velocity impact training.

Jan 232012
 

These girls were in no way associated with my Yoga class.

Today was bizarre to the point of being a truly freaky experience. For a start my girlfriend is doing Karate, not that great considering she is a pretty hot headed woman to begin with. Her and one of her friends saw a month’s free training and thought, what the hell they’ll give it a crack. Now even though I am more of a Krav Maga kind of guy I didn’t have a problem with this till today. Why now you ask? Well, and this is hard to admit, because whilst she was off learning to kick guys in the junk I was at Yoga.

Before you get all “Oh my god Jack’s a bit of an alternative wierdo” I’m completely cool with Yoga and Pilates and those sorts of girl-workouts. Having limped around with a parachuting injury for years (after landing on my pack at night), I’m all for stretching and strengthening. I’ve tried nearly every type of exercise available. I even dabbled in Bikram Yoga, but after passing out in a superheated room whilst I tried to touch my toes, I decided to give it a miss. Anyone who thinks they’re a bit of a tough bastard should try 90 minutes of that. . . trust me humping 10 miles with a 70 pound rucksack is more fun.

Yep.... sh#t just got weird.

Anyway a mate invited me to a regular Yoga class, so I thought, hell it’s a Chinese New Year why not try something new…FAIL. Normally I wouldn’t have a problem with Yoga but the reason this session weirded me out was while my girl was karate chopping wood and stuff I was holding another man’s hand and chanting… seriously WTF? The class started well, lots of stretching and strengthening, then it all got weird. It started with dancing, letting all your muscles go by waving your arms around like Jackie Chan on muscle relaxants… Hey, I gave it a go. I mean I’d paid my money and I wasn’t about to walk out. The thing is sh#t just got wierder and wierder. Before I knew it I was lying on my back doing some crazy arse cross country skiing move that looked like I was the birthday girl at a bukkake party. However it wasn’t until the last ten minutes that things really started to freak me out – ‘The Circle of Healing’.

That's going to be one big f@ck off circle of healing.

OK so picture this – a whole bunch of dudes and chicks sitting in a circle holding hands and chanting like some sort of demented cult. In the middle lay the people who need healing. This I wasn’t cool with. For starters the only circle I had formed in the military had two guys in the middle of it punching the crap out of each other with 16 ounce gloves. Secondly, wasn’t this the sort of thing that led to drinking blue Kool Aid and waiting for the mothership? I was freaked out and looking for an exit strategy. Finally it ended, but then some bleach blonde hippy girl asked why the meditation was so important. The instructor responded by saying it was a science, that meditating could change your DNA. Holy crap, I thought that required an exotic species of irradiated spider or a dose of solar radiation – sign me up for more meditation and a lycra superhero suit. Jack Silkstone’s gonna change his DNA and become YOGA MAN! Some people are just born stupid, I’m going back to running with my weighted vest and grinding out my knees.

Jack