Yesterday, I was driving through town in my truck when I rounded a corner and was confronted by an individual standing in the middle of the road with their back to me. Instantly, I realized this was a simple-minded victim of the Pokemon Go craze that has been sweeping the world. Jumping on my brakes, I brought my two tonnes of death sled to a screeching halt, wound down my window and informed the unfortunate individual that their presence on the road was impeding my travel. It sounded more like this, “Hey, Poketard. You got a death wish? Get the hell off the road.”
Situational awareness is something that’s drilled into every soldier from day one of basic training. Calls such as “head on a swivel, eyes up space cadet, look for work, and, my personal favorite, are you f@cking blind,” will stay with us till the day we die. Unfortunately, your average Pokemon Go player hasn’t had the benefit of getting smacked in the head every time their eyes drop to the ground. So in light of that, I’ve devised a three-step training program specifically for Poketards!
Step 1: Keep it in your workspace. This is pretty simple, to operate the electronic device and remain aware of your surroundings, you need to lift your noodle arms and hold it in front of your face. Then, you look past your phone every few seconds to ensure you’re not walking into a sign, pole or another person’s fist. The training technique is equally simple. See someone tooling along with their eyes down on their device? Position something in their path, preferably a large immobile object, and wait for the results.
Step 2: Head on a Swivel. Now, you’ve got your device in your workspace, and things are humming. The key here is to remain aware of your surroundings by looking past your device and turning your head from side to side. Sounds hard? It isn’t. Quickest way to help your buddy learn this is to extend your fist and run at them from a 45-degree angle. On impact scream,”Head on a swivel Poketard!”
Step 3: Get a Life. Yep, holster that brain frying iTard and get your head in the game. There’s a big bad world out there filled with real experiences, real people and cool stuff to do and see. You don’t have to be chasing invisible Tamagotchis to explore it.