Feb 152012

That’s not a handbag sweet heart!

Green Berets, SAS, Commandos, SEALs, all the top SOF units in the world use gruelling selection courses to choose their operatives, right? So why can’t men use a similar method to select their partners? A set of challenges designed to work out if she’s a keeper… I mean, what’s more important, making sure a soldier’s got the balls to get you out of a tight spot or ensuring your future partner isn’t a nutjob? 

So how does this GF selection thing work? Pretty simple, lads. Hell, even Marines will be able to understand it. First you write a list of attributes that you want in your woman and then you plan a series of activities designed to test those attributes. Need an example? Here’s a personal favorite of mine. I call it ‘The Flashbang’.

What are we testing for? The motherly instincts that allow a woman to function when faced with irrational children. Pretty important if you think you might want kids and if, let’s face it, they turn out anything like you.

What do you need? Friends with a pair of boys aged 2 to 5, a packet of candy (anything with additive 102), two cans of Redbull and a bunch of wifi cameras. Oh, and an invite to your friend’s place for lunch.

What next? Just follow this guide.

1. Set up your friend’s house with a few wifi cameras the day before. You also need to locate a safe house to watch the feed from on your laptop. Preference is within 100m in case things turn to cactus. You may also want to pre-position a first aid kit, fire extinguisher and cleaning team, in case it all turns to shit.

2. Brief the couple and make sure they understand the plan. If the mother of the kids isn’t on board you may have to bribe her. Day spa treatments work well.

3. D- Day… It’s your job to get the two boys as excited as possible. Fill them full of caffeine, taurine, sugar, food coloring and then chase them around the house with a nerf gun.

You want him on your team, you need him on your team.

4. Get your friend’s wife to engage your girl in deep and meaningful conversation, if this hasn’t happened already. This will lock her down as you duck out to run a short errand, maybe a gas bottle refill or a milk run. Something your girl ain’t gonna want to be involved in. This is your cue to hit the safe house.

5. Now this is the difficult part, your friends need to receive a call that pulls both of them away. In reality this is you calling them from the safe house. A sick relative, car crash or any other suitably traumatic excuse will work. This is the first part of the test; if your GF doesn’t agree to mind the kids for half an hour she ‘FAILS’ (go to step 8).

6. Once the couple hits the safe house the fun begins. Make sure you have a marking criteria established; include key skills such as dealing with flung poop and tortured pets. All three of you can then relax for an hour with a bag of popcorn and a marking sheet. Meanwhile back in the house shit will be exploding as two hyperactive, additive injected gremlins literally fly around the house like a pair of dog-fighting WW2 aces. Warning – shit will get hectic but whatever you do don’t let your friends call End Ex. Broken bones heal, you can buy new pets, poop washes off walls… having a dud mother to your children can last for a eternity.

First Rule of GF Selection. She NEVER Finds Out.

7.  Once your GF has been at it with the boys for an hour or so it’s time for you to come in with a cover story for your absence. Something about a dead phone battery (run it down the day before) and a flat tyre should do the job. Half an hour later the couple can get home as well, relaxed after their sojourn in the safe house. Now, this is the most important part. The biggest rule of GF selection is never, ever, and I mean EVER,  tell her she was tested. Not even if she passes. If she finds out you put her through the ringer she’ll make your life hell till the day you die. This is not part of the test; even the most forgiving woman won’t let you live these shenanigans down if she gets wind of it.

8. Did she pass? If she did it’s happy days and she’s ready for the next round of selection. If she didn’t… sorry buddy, if you want a future mother for your children, no matter how much of a rocket in the sack she is, she needs to go. That’s the whole point of the selection course, to wrestle your decision making process from your dick!

‘The Flashbang’ is just one activity you could incorporate in a GF Selection Course. Some of my other ideas include declaring bankruptcy to weed out a gold digger, faking an injury to see how she responds to stress and my old favorite, throwing her out of a perfectly good plane. The possibilities are endless…

Good luck selecting,


Oct 112011

Italian soldier

I get that the world is a changing place. I’m not some sort of chauvinistic luddite with his head buried in the sand. In fact I am a huge supporter of equality and freedom. However, something bothers me about putting women in combat units. Australia recently announced that it was going to follow the lead of Canada and Israel and allow women in all functions of the military. The US Army is now being pressured to follow suit. Yeah, it would be a big win for women’s rights but how do operators feel about it this?

First things first, the front line I’m talking about is not just going outside the wire. It’s not flying a helicopter or driving a truck in a convoy or even a tank. I’m talking about door kicking CQB style shoot terrorists in the face front line. The sort of close combat that Marines, infantrymen, SEALs, Commandos, Rangers, and the like take part in on a daily basis in a number of conflicts around the globe. In my humble opinion, in this type of warfare there is no place for a women, no matter how fit or capable she is.

Many argue that if women can meet the grade then why can’t they join the units that engage in close combat? Physical attributes aside this comes down to basic human nature. In the world that I value and fight for women and children are classed as innocents. Unlike many other societies we treat our women with dignity and respect. Yes, we treat them as equals but we also protect them from harm. It’s in our nature – I mean without them our way of life ceases to exist. Now tell me that hundreds, no, thousands of years of thinking this way can be changed with the drop of a hat. It can’t, men will always try to protect women. As long as they carry our offspring it will be second nature to us. In close combat a team cannot focus on anything other than killing the enemy. If they are concerned with protecting one of their own they go from being an efficient killing capability to a Close Personnel Protection team. CPP teams don’t survive in combat; they die to get the principal out.

Do you really want to see her hurt?

I’m not saying that women are not as capable as men. Nor am I saying that they don’t make fine soldiers or officers. What I am saying is that when it comes to closing with the enemy and fighting the close battle I want a man alongside me and not a woman.

Women definitely have a part to play in the Special Operations world. They can gain access to aspects of a community that males otherwise couldn’t. They add an element of cover to a team that two burly bearded dudes clad in cargo pants could never achieve. Hell there is an awesome female operative in my book PRIMAL Unleashed. But are they an asset at the front of a stack banging in on a DA against an enemy held compound? No they’re not.

No doubt this post is going to elicit some hostile feelings from some of my readers. I mean how dare I degrade woman by suggesting they can’t do something. To these people I say this. Blow me, it’s my opinion and I’m entitled to it. Hey there’s a comments box below if you want to engage in some good old-fashioned intellectual discussion around this matter.

So are you scoping me out?

Female sniper with 'Dorothy' .50cal rifle as featured in PRIMAL Unleashed!